May 19 to May 24
Nine people were hospitalized after eating contaminated nacho cheese from this gas station <Photo of Gas Station> in California. When asked why they purchased nachos here, customers stated Taco Bell just wasn’t dirty enough anymore.
A Tennessee man’s bond was set at 14-million dollars after he flipped off the judge and dared him to raise his bond. He then said I bet you won’t give me a conjugal visit. He did <Photo of Masked Man with whips and chains>
Ringling Brothers circus performed its final show last week after 90 years, but not to worry, because legend has it when one clown retires another always appears to entertain us <Photo of Trump in clown make-up>
It was revealed this week that Peyton Manning once sent an apology to a referee he chewed out during a game. Peyton, a Papa John’s pizza <Photo of Manning in a Papa John’s uniform> isn't an apology, and might even more offensive.
A study released this week shows that older husbands who live in dirty homes are less interested in sex. Finally the excuse you’ve been looking for ladies to stop cleaning.
May 10 to May 18
It was announced this week that Baron Trump will attend St. Andrew’s Episcopal School in Washington DC this fall, although I wouldn’t say goodbye to your old friends just yet buddy <Photo of Trump, Comey and Putin>
Inspectors recently discovered a register church in Nashville was actually operating as a sex club. They became suspicious when they saw the posted times for services <Photo of church sign reading “Worship, Friday and Saturday Nights at 11pm>
Newly crowned Miss America Kara McCullough said Sunday that healthcare is a privilege and not a right, and folks became furious. I mean, and rightfully so, how dare that woman have an opinion.
President Trump told Coast Guard graduates no politician has ever been treated worse than him. I beg to differ said <Photo of Abraham Lincoln> Lincoln.
Governor Chris Christie vetoed a measure that would ban anyone under 18 from getting married in New Jersey stating exceptions could be made for 16 or 17 year olds, which taken out of context sounds really bad, but when taken in context, still sounds really bad.
A Florida man called 9-1-1 this week and asked to be deported. When asked what country he was from, he stated, “let’s say Fiji” <Photo of a man on the beach>
May 3 to May 9, 2017
- May 9 is National Lost Sock Memorial Day, a day set to remember the unfortunate socks who left the drawer and never returned <On-Screen Photo: socks on the floor next to a Playboy>
- A donkey named Oliver joined therapy dogs at Montana State University this week to help students relieve the stress of finals, although this is not the piece of ass most students were hoping for before heading home for the summer.
- Emmanuel Macron has won the French presidency, although most people thought they were voting for their favorite dessert <On Screen Photo: Macaroons>.
- A Pennsylvania man attempting to scare possums off his property with fire burned his house down, which speaks to why possums have been on Earth for 70 million years and humans still deny climate change.
- Former President Obama is asking republican lawmakers to have the courage to save Obamacare. Unfortunately, courage is a pre-existing condition most lawmakers are without.
April 30 - May 2, 2017
- Former President Obama unveiled plans this week for his Presidential Library in Chicago. Not to be outdone, President Trump released plans for his future library too <Photo of gowdy gold building with lighted sign “Trump Library and Casino”>
- This Saturday is Comic Book Day, a day where Dad’s take their boys to stores across the country to get a free comic book, or as they call it, male birth control <Photo of 20-something man reading a comic>
- A scientist at Georgia Institute of Technology studied 34 different mammals to come to the conclusion that we should spend just 12 seconds to take a poo, stating that a quick evacuation is key to survival in the wild because predators are attracted to the smell. <Photo of closed door and kids plugging their noses outside>. I got to tell you, it’s quite the opposite in my house. <Photo of Che on the toilet> I could be in there for days.
- United Airlines CEO Oscar Munez faced questioning in Congress this week about how airlines handle overbooked flights. Once he was finished, he was escorted from the room <photo of Munez being dragged out of office by Senators>
- Congress budgeted 61 million dollars to reimburse local police and sheriffs for costs associated with protecting the first family when they travel outside of Washington DC. Considering news that comes out of Florida, 61 million seems like more than they spend in the entire state in one year.
I won't lie to you. I've fallen behind on writing Weekend Update style jokes lately. This whole job, wife and kids thing keeps getting in the way. However it is time to start taking it seriously again, so here we go:
September 12 to September 19, 2016
This was the week. It had finally arrived. My tryout to be a freelance writer for Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live.
Sadly for me...it was not to be this year. I honestly can't say I am shocked. I knew competition would be tough. And those moments between when I sent my packet off to the producer and when I heard back - well it was much like when you play the lottery. For those four days you could imagine you made it.
If you'd like to read the ten jokes that didn't get me the job, just click here! Otherwise, keep checking back here throughout the year as I will continue to post my practice writing in an attempt to get better and land the position for 2017-2018!
August 29 to August 31, 2016
August 25 to August 28, 2016
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