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- May 9 is National Lost Sock Memorial Day, a day set to remember the unfortunate socks who left the drawer and never returned <On-Screen Photo: socks on the floor next to a Playboy>
- A donkey named Oliver joined therapy dogs at Montana State University this week to help students relieve the stress of finals, although this is not the piece of ass most students were hoping for before heading home for the summer.
- Emmanuel Macron has won the French presidency, although most people thought they were voting for their favorite dessert <On Screen Photo: Macaroons>.
- A Pennsylvania man attempting to scare possums off his property with fire burned his house down, which speaks to why possums have been on Earth for 70 million years and humans still deny climate change.
- Former President Obama is asking republican lawmakers to have the courage to save Obamacare. Unfortunately, courage is a pre-existing condition most lawmakers are without.