The World of Chris Thomas - Weekend Update Jokes

May 19 to May 24

Wed, 24 May 2017 14:20:11 GMT

Nine people were hospitalized after eating contaminated nacho cheese from this gas station <Photo of Gas Station> in California. When asked why they purchased nachos here, customers stated Taco Bell just wasn’t dirty enough anymore.

A Tennessee man’s bond was set at 14-million dollars after he flipped off the judge and dared him to raise his bond. He then said I bet you won’t give me a conjugal visit. He did <Photo of Masked Man with whips and chains>

Ringling Brothers circus performed its final show last week after 90 years, but not to worry, because legend has it when one clown retires another always appears to entertain us <Photo of Trump in clown make-up>

It was revealed this week that Peyton Manning once sent an apology to a referee he chewed out during a game. Peyton, a Papa John’s pizza <Photo of Manning in a Papa John’s uniform> isn't an apology, and might even more offensive.

A study released this week shows that older husbands who live in dirty homes are less interested in sex. Finally the excuse you’ve been looking for ladies to stop cleaning.

May 10 to May 18

Thu, 18 May 2017 20:37:06 GMT

It was announced this week that Baron Trump will attend St. Andrew’s Episcopal School in Washington DC this fall, although I wouldn’t say goodbye to your old friends just yet buddy <Photo of Trump, Comey and Putin>

Inspectors recently discovered a register church in Nashville was actually operating as a sex club. They became suspicious when they saw the posted times for services <Photo of church sign reading “Worship, Friday and Saturday Nights at 11pm>

Newly crowned Miss America Kara McCullough said Sunday that healthcare is a privilege and not a right, and folks became furious. I mean, and rightfully so, how dare that woman have an opinion.

President Trump told Coast Guard graduates no politician has ever been treated worse than him. I beg to differ said <Photo of Abraham Lincoln> Lincoln.

Governor Chris Christie vetoed a measure that would ban anyone under 18 from getting married in New Jersey stating exceptions could be made for 16 or 17 year olds, which taken out of context sounds really bad, but when taken in context, still sounds really bad.

A Florida man called 9-1-1 this week and asked to be deported. When asked what country he was from, he stated, “let’s say Fiji” <Photo of a man on the beach>

May 3 to May 9, 2017

Mon, 08 May 2017 02:38:38 GMT

- May 9 is National Lost Sock Memorial Day, a day set to remember the unfortunate socks who left the drawer and never returned <On-Screen Photo: socks on the floor next to a Playboy>

- A donkey named Oliver joined therapy dogs at Montana State University this week to help students relieve the stress of finals, although this is not the piece of ass most students were hoping for before heading home for the summer.

- Emmanuel Macron has won the French presidency, although most people thought they were voting for their favorite dessert <On Screen Photo: Macaroons>.

- A Pennsylvania man attempting to scare possums off his property with fire burned his house down, which speaks to why possums have been on Earth for 70 million years and humans still deny climate change.

- Former President Obama is asking republican lawmakers to have the courage to save Obamacare. Unfortunately, courage is a pre-existing condition most lawmakers are without.

April 30 - May 2, 2017

Tue, 02 May 2017 13:51:25 GMT

- Former President Obama unveiled plans this week for his Presidential Library in Chicago. Not to be outdone, President Trump released plans for his future library too

- This Saturday is Comic Book Day, a day where Dad’s take their boys to stores across the country to get a free comic book, or as they call it, male birth control

- A scientist at Georgia Institute of Technology studied 34 different mammals to come to the conclusion that we should spend just 12 seconds to take a poo, stating that a quick evacuation is key to survival in the wild because predators are attracted to the smell. . I got to tell you, it’s quite the opposite in my house. I could be in there for days.

- United Airlines CEO Oscar Munez faced questioning in Congress this week about how airlines handle overbooked flights. Once he was finished, he was escorted from the room

- Congress budgeted 61 million dollars to reimburse local police and sheriffs for costs associated with protecting the first family when they travel outside of Washington DC. Considering news that comes out of Florida, 61 million seems like more than they spend in the entire state in one year.

Back to the Grind...April 24 to April 25, 2017

Tue, 25 Apr 2017 17:17:38 GMT

I won't lie to you. I've fallen behind on writing Weekend Update style jokes lately. This whole job, wife and kids thing keeps getting in the way. However it is time to start taking it seriously again, so here we go:

Astronaut Peggy Whitson now holds the record for the American to spend the longest amount of time in space, having spent 535 in orbit. When asked how long she plans to stay for, she said she’s hopefully looking at a return in 2020 but it could be as late as 2024.
A lawyer for the Kentucky doctor dragged off a United flight told the airlines that an apology doesn’t help his client because apologies won’t pay legal fees.
A 600 year old tree in New Jersey was taken down this week after being declared dead, which is 599 years longer than it probably wanted to stay in New Jersey.
The Museum of Ice Cream opened this week in Los Angeles and it features a room filled with bananas and a pool full of sprinkles. Is it me or does this sound more like a theme room at that shady airport motel than a museum?
Returning from a two month trip, a woman walked into her New York City apartment this week to find a pigeon nesting in her pasta strainer. And she thought she’d have to go shopping when she returned .
Dale Earnhardt Jr. is retiring at the end of the 2017 NASCAR season. First on his agenda in retirement? Turning right.

September 12 to September 19, 2016

Tue, 27 Sep 2016 17:14:06 GMT

This was the week. It had finally arrived. My tryout to be a freelance writer for Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live.

Sadly for me...it was not to be this year. I honestly can't say I am shocked. I knew competition would be tough. And those moments between when I sent my packet off to the producer and when I heard back - well it was much like when you play the lottery. For those four days you could imagine you made it.

If you'd like to read the ten jokes that didn't get me the job, just click here! Otherwise, keep checking back here throughout the year as I will continue to post my practice writing in an attempt to get better and land the position for 2017-2018!

September 6 to September 9, 2016

Thu, 08 Sep 2016 02:00:50 GMT

Libertarian Presidential candidate Gary Johnson asked a MSNBC host during an interview quote "What is Aleppo?" Donald Trump said it's disgusting that Johnson doesn't know the name of the size drink between Grande and Venti.
NBC turns 90 this week, and all they really want is for you to stop by and visit more often <<Graph on screen of NBC ratings dropping>>
An underage Amish drinking party was busted over the weekend resulting in the arrest of 73 people. Police were tipped off by a phone call from a concerned parent, which unless Mr. Healy and my 8th grade geography has failed me, doesn't seem possible.
A man in Kansas robbed a bank last week in order to be arrested so he would no longer have to live with his wife. Even though he was jailed, after meeting his wife the judge only sentenced the man to time-served.

September 1 to September 5, 2016

Mon, 05 Sep 2016 13:42:49 GMT

A Norwegian man complained to IKEA <<Photo on screen of shower stool>> after one of his testicles became stuck in their shower stool. IKEA responded with these easy to understand directions <<Photo on screen on typical IKEA drawn directions with man in pain attempting to remove himself from the stool>>.
A homeless man was arrested this week after going down on a woman at a beach. He told authorities that he was quote "A first responder doing his duty." Apparently the woman was in desperate need of mouth to south resuscitation.
North Korea fired off rockets to coincide with the G-20 summit in China as shown in this video <<Home video of a toy model rocket launching, but barely>>.
A road safety campaign in Russia is placing topless women at dangerous intersections holding speed limits signs in an attempt to reduce high speed crashes and replace them with slower, more veer off the road while staring at breasts type of collisions.
President Obama told reporters that Colin Kaepernick is just exercising his constitutional rights. He also expressed his appreciation to him for standing up to take American's minds off of what really matters <<Montage of photos of previous week's important news stories>>

August 29 to August 31, 2016

Mon, 29 Aug 2016 17:10:34 GMT

Hashtag McChicken was trending this week after a man posted a video of himself having sex with a McDonald's Chicken sandwich. <<Logo with "I'm Lovin' It" graphic on screen, pointing to it>> You know that's a slogan, not a challenge right?
Donald Trump traveled to Mexico to visit with President Enrique Pena on Wednesday, leading Mexicans to accuse the United States of not sending them our best.
Ryan Lochte has joined the cast of Dancing with the Stars and said he is going to treat the competition just like going to the Olympics, so you can't say you haven't been warned Hollywood gas station attendants.
Scientists have found evidence to support the long held belief that dogs do understand what we are saying to them. So if your dog pees on your carpet and you ask him to stop, he is in fact just being an ass <<bleep>>.
The Oregon State Fair allowed marijuana to be displayed this year along side other more typical garden plants. The first place plant was given a blue ribbon and a bootleg cassette of the Dead's 1967 concert from Portland.

August 25 to August 28, 2016

Mon, 29 Aug 2016 02:26:28 GMT

Several hundred thousand dead fish are washing ashore in New Jersey, leading Chris Christie to argue with staffers over whether the problem will be best solved fried or boiled <<Photo of Christie with bib on holding fork in his hand>>
Hundreds of women marched through Times Square topless this weekend as part of International Go Topless Day. This is the best vacation ever said 13 year old Jimmy Albright from Des Moines, Iowa.
A 31-year old Florida man considers himself to be very lucky after he has survived a lightning strike, being bitten by a spider and attacked by a rattlesnake all during the past four months. He's not all that lucky however. He still lives in Florida.
A Domino's Pizza in New Zealand has delivered the first-ever pizza via drone this week. While technologically speaking this is incredible, we at Weekend Update would like to apologize for ever inflicting Domino's on your country to begin with.
Researchers have discovered there is a scientific reason both men and women are attracted to breasts. Women are drawn to their life-giving nature, while men are just obsessed with the fact that we don't have them.