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Weekend Update - News Jokes

September 12 to September 19, 2016

9/27/2016

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This was the week.  It had finally arrived.  My tryout to be a freelance writer for Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live.  

Sadly for me...it was not to be this year.  I honestly can't say I am shocked.  I knew competition would be tough.  And those moments between when I sent my packet off to the producer and when I heard back - well it was much like when you play the lottery.  For those four days you could imagine you made it.  

If you'd like to read the ten jokes that didn't get me the job, just click here!  Otherwise, keep checking back here throughout the year as I will continue to post my practice writing in an attempt to get better and land the position for 2017-2018!
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September 6 to September 9, 2016

9/7/2016

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  • Libertarian Presidential candidate Gary Johnson asked a MSNBC host during an interview quote "What is Aleppo?"  Donald Trump said it's disgusting that Johnson doesn't know the name of the size drink between Grande and Venti.
  • NBC turns 90 this week, and all they really want is for you to stop by and visit more often <<Graph on screen of NBC ratings dropping>>
  • An underage Amish drinking party was busted over the weekend resulting in the arrest of 73 people. Police were tipped off by a phone call from a concerned parent, which unless Mr. Healy and my 8th grade geography has failed me, doesn't seem possible.
  • A man in Kansas robbed a bank last week in order to be arrested so he would no longer have to live with his wife. Even though he was jailed, after meeting his wife the judge only sentenced the man to time-served.
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September 1 to September 5, 2016

9/5/2016

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  • A Norwegian man complained to IKEA <<Photo on screen of shower stool>> after one of his testicles became stuck in their shower stool.  IKEA responded with these easy to understand directions <<Photo on screen on typical IKEA drawn directions with man in pain attempting to remove himself from the stool>>.
  • A homeless man was arrested this week after going down on a woman at a beach.  He told authorities that he was quote "A first responder doing his duty."  Apparently the woman was in desperate need of mouth to south resuscitation.
  • North Korea fired off rockets to coincide with the G-20 summit in China as shown in this video <<Home video of a toy model rocket launching, but barely​>>.
  • A road safety campaign in Russia is placing topless women at dangerous intersections holding speed limits signs in an attempt to  reduce high speed crashes and replace them with slower, more veer off the road while staring at breasts type of collisions. 
  • President Obama told reporters that Colin Kaepernick is just exercising his constitutional rights. He also expressed his appreciation to him for standing up to take American's minds off of what really matters <<Montage of photos of previous week's important news stories>>
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