In order to stay fresh and on top of my writing game, every week on my blog I will post a few Weekend Update style set-ups and punch lines.  Your feedback is welcomed and encouraged.  If you laughed...awesome, let me know about it!  If you thought it was the worst thing you've ever read, and that is saying a lot since you're job is to proofread the latest edition of Lighthouses Digest, then let me know that as well!

• According to a study published in the journal Pediatrics, the fruit kids eat the most are apples, which makes up nearly 19 percentage of fruit consumption for kids between the age of 2-19.  For kids between the ages of 19-22, vodka soaked oranges from the bottom of the cooler at 3am once the jungle juice is empty finished first.
• Your toothpaste may be ruining the ocean, that's according to a study from Oregon State University that shows more than eight trillion plastic microbeads pollute US waterways each day.  And you yelled at me for not brushing my teeth Dr. Jacobson.  Guess I just love the ocean more than you <flashes a disgusting, horrible smile>
• Crickets are swarming the city of Austin, Texas thanks to cooler temperatures, or if you're a god fearing person, it's probably thanks to whatever thing you've been offended by recently.
• Ben Carson told Meet the Press recently that he wouldn't support a Muslim-President, prompting for numerous groups to call for him to drop out of the Republican Primary.  Is this really the most offensive thing a candidate has said this year so far? <montage of Donald Trump quotes>

Again...let me know what you think by commenting below or using the contact  page to send me some mail of the electronic variety!

Once again, the fine folks of Chicago Parent magazine have been nice enough to publish some of my writings in their Fall 2015 Going Places magazine.

In this issue I have pieces about how you can hold onto summer for a few more weeks here in the Fall.  I look at a few unique movie houses in Chicago where you can take the family to catch a flick.  And finally, we all have been to the museums in Chicago, but did you know there are more than 30 museums to check out?  My piece focuses on five places that will teach you specifically about the history and happenings of the Windy City itself.

You can check them all out (and more) by visiting by writing page right here.

And if you want to cruise over to Chicago Parent's web site you can check out my contributor page there as well at http://www.chicagoparent.com/staff/chris-thomas 

In order to stay fresh and on top of my writing game, every week on my blog I will post a few Weekend Update style set-ups and punch lines.  Your feedback is welcomed and encouraged.  If you laughed...awesome, let me know about it!  If you thought it was the worst thing you've ever read, and that is saying a lot because you've got more than a few text messages from your crazy ex on your phone, let me know that as well!

• Kim Davis has returned to work and vowed to not deny marriage licenses to same-sex couples.  But after four marriages, do you really put much faith in a Kim Davis vow?
• Billionaire Mark Cuban has said that if he were to run for president he would beat Hillary Clinton and crush Donald Trump.  When reached for comment, Trump stated there was no way he would lose to any Latino, let alone a Cuban.
• 7-Eleven is now delivering Date Night packs directly to your home.  Packs include ice cream, a chocolate bar, a can of Red Bull, chewing gum and a three pack of condoms.  Gentlemen, if you find a woman who thinks this combination is a perfect date night pack, hold onto her. Hold onto her and never ever let her go.
• Presidential hopeful Rick Santorium told CNN this week that he doesn't believe that Supreme Court rulings are the law of the land. And this guy wants to be president? <Graphic showing his drastically low poll numbers>.  Ah, alright, nevermind.  Let's let little Ricky believe whatever he wants <Photo of Santa Claus wielding a machine gun>.

Again...let me know what you think by commenting below or using the contact  page to send me some mail of the electronic variety!

In order to stay fresh and on top of my writing game, every week on my blog I will post a few Weekend Update style set-ups and punch lines.  Your feedback is welcomed and encouraged.  If you laughed...awesome, let me know about it!  If you thought it was the worst thing you've ever read, and that is saying a lot because you've suffered through 50 Shades of Grey hoping it would eventually get better...awesome, let me know about it!

Headline Jokes for the Week of August 31

• <Photo of American Heroes> Three Americans were honored by France for stopping what was presumed to be a terrorist attack by a gunman.  <Photo of World War II D-Day> 60 years later, same story, new guys.
• A man in California is staying in his cement home while wildfires rage around him.  He plans to come out once he is done to around 350 degrees.
• Two Maryland men attempted to fly a drone into a prison to deliver porn.  Guards became suspicious when they heard this coming from the drone <play bad 70's porn music, such as this>
• New York City Mayor Bill deBlasio wants to ban topless women in Times Square.  When asked for a comment, 10 year old Jimmy Pascal from Oklahoma said, "Nah, it's fine."
• The Cubs recently won 20 out of their last 25 games, prompting fans to get ready for a major disappointment this season instead of the regular let down they are used to.

Again...let me know what you think by commenting below or using the contact  page to send me some mail of the electronic variety!