Weekend Update Jokes: September 14-21, 2015

In order to stay fresh and on top of my writing game, every week on my blog I will post a few Weekend Update style set-ups and punch lines.  Your feedback is welcomed and encouraged.  If you laughed...awesome, let me know about it!  If you thought it was the worst thing you've ever read, and that is saying a lot since you're job is to proofread the latest edition of Lighthouses Digest, then let me know that as well!

• According to a study published in the journal Pediatrics, the fruit kids eat the most are apples, which makes up nearly 19 percentage of fruit consumption for kids between the age of 2-19.  For kids between the ages of 19-22, vodka soaked oranges from the bottom of the cooler at 3am once the jungle juice is empty finished first.
• Your toothpaste may be ruining the ocean, that's according to a study from Oregon State University that shows more than eight trillion plastic microbeads pollute US waterways each day.  And you yelled at me for not brushing my teeth Dr. Jacobson.  Guess I just love the ocean more than you <flashes a disgusting, horrible smile>
• Crickets are swarming the city of Austin, Texas thanks to cooler temperatures, or if you're a god fearing person, it's probably thanks to whatever thing you've been offended by recently.
• Ben Carson told Meet the Press recently that he wouldn't support a Muslim-President, prompting for numerous groups to call for him to drop out of the Republican Primary.  Is this really the most offensive thing a candidate has said this year so far? <montage of Donald Trump quotes>

Again...let me know what you think by commenting below or using the contact  page to send me some mail of the electronic variety!