July 29-August 7, 2016

• Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green has apologized for accidentally sharing a picture of his penis on Snapchat.  Long time critics however have thanked him for proving once and for all that he is indeed undersized for this position. 
• Xavier University in Cincinnati is installing the first-ever pizza vending machine. Meanwhile students at universities in China are probably studying.
• More than 30,000 bees escaped and stung several people in a Oklahoma City Wal-Mart parking lot.  As if I needed another reason to shop at Target.
• The Olympics are underway in Brazil and the United States won their first gold medal of the 2016 games in shooting, inspiring lawyers everywhere to tell their clients to stop pleading the fifth and start saying you're just training for Tokyo in 2020.
• Donald Trump is complaining that the election system is rigged and says that is why he may lose in November.  Our Weekend Update Investigative Reporting staff have looked into it and it's true.  The system does indeed seem to favor those who aren't racist, narcissistic, sexist douche bags.
• Scientists have discovered that cockroach milk may be the next super food, which is good since Trump keeps asking why we just can't use our nuclear weapons against everyone.  Daddy, when can we come up from the bunker?  I don't know son. Have another cup of cockroach milk.