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The World of Chris Thomas

Weekend Update - News Jokes

August 22 to August 24, 2016

8/23/2016

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  • The world's first self-driving taxi has made its debut in Singapore this week.  Engineers are waiting to bring it to America however until they are confident it will be able to accurately pass right by black people..
  • Kentucky Fried Chicken has introduced a new fried chicken scented sunscreen.  When tested with consumers, they described its smell as a combination of savory spices, disappointment and regret.
  • Donald Trump has raised the rent on his own political office in Trump Tower this week here in New York City, citing insider information that group doesn't plan on renewing its lease after this November.
  • The National Zoo in Washington DC is looking to breed its tiger, so they've brought in a male named Sparky to do the job. Sparky was chosen based on his enjoyment of walk longs through the habitat and his online dating profile picture <<Photo of Tiger with collared shirt popped up>>
  • Florida Governor Rick Scott insists that his state is safe to visit despite the recent rise in Zika cases, or the outbreak of dengue fever, new cases of encephalitis, the spreading of that toxic blue green algae thing, a few instances flesh and brain eating bacteria, and the 85-year old man who offered a woman $20 to play with her breasts at the local Publix in Palm Beach.  I wish that last one was a joke.


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August 18-August 21, 2016

8/17/2016

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  • An Ohio man is arrested after trying to have sex with his van.  What's really sick is the van was only three years old.
  • <<Photo of Clinton Foundation logo on screen>>The Clinton Foundation announced that if Hillary wins it will stop accepting foreign money.  <<Switch logo to new logo with maple leaves instead of stars>> And if Trump wins, the foundation will become a foreign foundation
  • The Mongolian wrestling coach stripped down to his underwear after his country was denied the bronze medal due to a judging issue.  If history has taught us anything, you should not tick off Mongolians <<Photo of ancient Mongols>>. 
  • A recent survey shows that the majority of men and republicans believe that sexism is no longer an issue.  When asked if a woman could then be president, they responded, if only a republican woman wanted to run <<Photo montage of Republic female senators/congressmen>>.  Damn it if there was just one.
  • It's mid-August and the Chicago Cubs are still in first place, prompting fans to prepare for a major letdown this Fall instead of the normal one they are used to experiencing.


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August 14-August 17, 2016

8/15/2016

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  • US Swimmer Ryan Lochte said he was robbed at gun point during the games in Rio.  <<Picture of Michael Phelps beating Locate in the pool>> It is quite a gun show.  
  • Donald Trump has been dropping hints in recent speeches that he might lose the upcoming election.  You keep mispronouncing "will" said Hillary.
  • Trump is proposing extreme vetting for immigrants before they are allowed into America.  Question number one:  Will you vote for me?
  • Use of the dating app Tinder has gone up 129% in Rio since the start of the Olympic games, while searches on WebMD are up 109%
  • Speaking at a rally in Wisconsin this week, Trump told African-Americans that he is with them.  Oh, so you're voting for Hillary too?
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August 8-August 13, 2016

8/8/2016

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  • Hilary Clinton has opened up a 23-point lead over Donald Trump among likely female voters.  When asked for comment, Trump stated "So what?  Woman can't vote right?"
  • In New Mexico, a 36 year old mother and her 19 year old son are facing jail time for refusing to stop their incestuous relationship.  When asked by family if she thought this was right, she replied "do as I say, not who I do."
  • A recent study shows that more and more teens are experimenting with e-cigs than cigarettes, which is why the homely girl from your third period English class is now going by e-Mallory.
  • New Jersey is considering passing a bill that would ban eating and drinking while driving. Governor Chris Christie has promised to eat the bill if it makes it to his desk 
  • Delta Airlines stranded thousands of passengers around the globe after a catastrophic failure of their computer systems, but no one should be surprised after Delta released their new motto last week <<On Screen: Delta Logo with the words "You Had Other Choices">>
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July 29-August 7, 2016

8/7/2016

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  • Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green has apologized for accidentally sharing a picture of his penis on Snapchat.  Long time critics however have thanked him for proving once and for all that he is indeed undersized for this position. 
  • Xavier University in Cincinnati is installing the first-ever pizza vending machine. Meanwhile students at universities in China are probably studying.
  • More than 30,000 bees escaped and stung several people in a Oklahoma City Wal-Mart parking lot.  As if I needed another reason to shop at Target.
  • The Olympics are underway in Brazil and the United States won their first gold medal of the 2016 games in shooting, inspiring lawyers everywhere to tell their clients to stop pleading the fifth and start saying you're just training for Tokyo in 2020.
  • Donald Trump is complaining that the election system is rigged and says that is why he may lose in November.  Our Weekend Update Investigative Reporting staff have looked into it and it's true.  The system does indeed seem to favor those who aren't racist, narcissistic, sexist douche bags.
  • Scientists have discovered that cockroach milk may be the next super food, which is good since Trump keeps asking why we just can't use our nuclear weapons against everyone.  Daddy, when can we come up from the bunker?  I don't know son. Have another cup of cockroach milk.
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July 17-28, 2016

7/28/2016

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  • An apartment building was evacuated this week due to a strong order that was produced when a tenant cooked his own urine.  The man was not charged with any crime after promising to never home-brew Coors Light again.
  • ​Debra Messing and Blake Shelton got into an argument on Twitter about politics, which only hurt their credibility as America's 1,345th and 1,654th most trusted political pundits.
  • It was so hot in New York City this week that a man stripped naked and went for a walk around the Upper West Side on 69th Street, because of course he was on 69th Street.
  • A Canadian woman fired her pellet gun at Pokemon Go players in downtown Toronto this week in order to protect her gym.  I have no idea what any of that means, I'm just jealous this makes Canada's headlines while in America <<<on screen graphic of gun violence from this week>>
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July 10-16, 2016

7/11/2016

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  • The Republican Party will declare pornography a public health crisis at their convention next week, so I'm sure that no one will mind then that we set-up a passcode for the adult programming at the hotels.  Good luck watching such titles as The 69th Amendment and Poling Ms. Daisy now.
  • A federal court has ruled that sharing your Netflix password is a crime and it now could land you in jail. Thankfully I just finished season three of Orange is the New Black on my uncle’s account, so I’m sure I could handle myself.
  • Internet users furious at Kaley Cuoco for a picture she posted with her dogs sitting on an American flag.   When asked if they would like to talk to her in person, they responded, “duh…ummm…nah, it’s cool” before retreating to their mom’s basements.
  • Kim Kardashian is worried that if she has a third child she will quote never be the same down there.  I don’t have a joke for this, I just can’t unsee that imagine and I needed someone else to suffer with me.
  • A Florida man is under arrest after stabbing a friend in the back over two dollars he owed him.  You should see where he stabbed the guy who owed him five dollars.
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Best of Spring 2016

7/11/2016

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  • Researchers at the University of California  - Berkeley are reporting that bromances are good for your health.  According to those same researchers, also good for your health is drinking beer, watching football and not seeing your wife on Sundays.
  • A 911 dispatcher was demoted for placing calls for help on hold to play video games.  You have one job. Phone rings, pick up call, help person, hang up, wait for the next call.  What could he possibly have been demoted to?
  • A British couple spent nearly $100,000 cloning their recently deceased dog.  This is crazy to me, because it’s just going to die again.  That seems like a lot of money to spend on being miserable.  Cleveland Browns season tickets would be way cheaper.
  • It’s official. Dutch driving instructors are now allowed to trade driving lessons for sex, giving new meaning to the words stick shift.
  • A man broke his leg while hypnotized at a comedy show in Omaha is now suing the hypnotist.  The case isn’t getting very far though, because when anyone says the words your honor, the man jumps from his seat, walks over to the nearest female and climbs on top of her.

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