So this year I got my name on a list of people who were invited to submit a writing sample to be considered as a freelance writer for "Weekend Update" on Saturday Night Live! As you can imagine competition is fierce and, not a big surprise, I didn't make the cut. So if you'd like to read the ten jokes that didn't get me the job, here they are!
1. A manager at the shopping network QVC has pleaded guilty to stealing 1.8 million dollars from the channel. If he takes the plea bargain now, he’ll repay it in twelve
easy payments of 150,000 dollars each.
2. Jay Z’s streaming music service Tidal is losing 2.3 million dollars a month, or to convert that figure to everyday person money, eh.
3. Bill Clinton told reporters that there is nothing more to know about Hillary’s health. Because when Bill tells you there is nothing else to know, you can believe it.
4. Tim Tebow said this week that the high concussion rate in the NFL is what made him turn to baseball. And the reason I’m not dating Jennifer Lawrence is because I’m not interested.
5. Friday was National Working Parents Day, a day set aside to honor the mom's and dad's who work to support their families. Most parents celebrated by coming home late and being too tired to have sex.
6. In a partnership between Google, Chipotle and Virginia Tech University, burritos are now being delivered via drone to select students on campus. Meanwhile at Beijing Institute of Technology they are probably studying math or something.
7. This Saturday begins National Farm Animal Awareness Week, although PETA and I have very different ideas on how to celebrate. <<Photo of anchor at a BBQ filled with meat>>
8. An 18-year old girl is suing her parents for posting what she calls embarrassing childhood photos of her on Facebook. Her parents are responding by posting pictures of her conception instead. <<Photo of woman in candlelit bathtub>>
9. A nurse in England accused of baring her breasts and performing sex acts on patients claims she was just providing emotional support. And yet people are still against universal health care.
10. Donald Trump told CNBC Monday that he believes the upcoming debates should have no moderators, but rather just feature him and Hillary sitting there talking. You know, like they used to in the good old days. <<Photo of Donald, Hillary and Bill from Trump's 3rd wedding in 2005>>
1. A manager at the shopping network QVC has pleaded guilty to stealing 1.8 million dollars from the channel. If he takes the plea bargain now, he’ll repay it in twelve
easy payments of 150,000 dollars each.
2. Jay Z’s streaming music service Tidal is losing 2.3 million dollars a month, or to convert that figure to everyday person money, eh.
3. Bill Clinton told reporters that there is nothing more to know about Hillary’s health. Because when Bill tells you there is nothing else to know, you can believe it.
4. Tim Tebow said this week that the high concussion rate in the NFL is what made him turn to baseball. And the reason I’m not dating Jennifer Lawrence is because I’m not interested.
5. Friday was National Working Parents Day, a day set aside to honor the mom's and dad's who work to support their families. Most parents celebrated by coming home late and being too tired to have sex.
6. In a partnership between Google, Chipotle and Virginia Tech University, burritos are now being delivered via drone to select students on campus. Meanwhile at Beijing Institute of Technology they are probably studying math or something.
7. This Saturday begins National Farm Animal Awareness Week, although PETA and I have very different ideas on how to celebrate. <<Photo of anchor at a BBQ filled with meat>>
8. An 18-year old girl is suing her parents for posting what she calls embarrassing childhood photos of her on Facebook. Her parents are responding by posting pictures of her conception instead. <<Photo of woman in candlelit bathtub>>
9. A nurse in England accused of baring her breasts and performing sex acts on patients claims she was just providing emotional support. And yet people are still against universal health care.
10. Donald Trump told CNBC Monday that he believes the upcoming debates should have no moderators, but rather just feature him and Hillary sitting there talking. You know, like they used to in the good old days. <<Photo of Donald, Hillary and Bill from Trump's 3rd wedding in 2005>>
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