Hashtag McChicken was trending this week after a man posted a video of himself having sex with a McDonald's Chicken sandwich. <<Logo with "I'm Lovin' It" graphic on screen, pointing to it>> You know that's a slogan, not a challenge right?
Donald Trump traveled to Mexico to visit with President Enrique Pena on Wednesday, leading Mexicans to accuse the United States of not sending them our best.
Ryan Lochte has joined the cast of Dancing with the Stars and said he is going to treat the competition just like going to the Olympics, so you can't say you haven't been warned Hollywood gas station attendants.
Scientists have found evidence to support the long held belief that dogs do understand what we are saying to them. So if your dog pees on your carpet and you ask him to stop, he is in fact just being an ass <<bleep>>.
The Oregon State Fair allowed marijuana to be displayed this year along side other more typical garden plants. The first place plant was given a blue ribbon and a bootleg cassette of the Dead's 1967 concert from Portland.
Several hundred thousand dead fish are washing ashore in New Jersey, leading Chris Christie to argue with staffers over whether the problem will be best solved fried or boiled <<Photo of Christie with bib on holding fork in his hand>>
Hundreds of women marched through Times Square topless this weekend as part of International Go Topless Day. This is the best vacation ever said 13 year old Jimmy Albright from Des Moines, Iowa.
A 31-year old Florida man considers himself to be very lucky after he has survived a lightning strike, being bitten by a spider and attacked by a rattlesnake all during the past four months. He's not all that lucky however. He still lives in Florida.
A Domino's Pizza in New Zealand has delivered the first-ever pizza via drone this week. While technologically speaking this is incredible, we at Weekend Update would like to apologize for ever inflicting Domino's on your country to begin with.
Researchers have discovered there is a scientific reason both men and women are attracted to breasts. Women are drawn to their life-giving nature, while men are just obsessed with the fact that we don't have them.
The world's first self-driving taxi has made its debut in Singapore this week. Engineers are waiting to bring it to America however until they are confident it will be able to accurately pass right by black people..
Kentucky Fried Chicken has introduced a new fried chicken scented sunscreen. When tested with consumers, they described its smell as a combination of savory spices, disappointment and regret.
Donald Trump has raised the rent on his own political office in Trump Tower this week here in New York City, citing insider information that group doesn't plan on renewing its lease after this November.
The National Zoo in Washington DC is looking to breed its tiger, so they've brought in a male named Sparky to do the job. Sparky was chosen based on his enjoyment of walk longs through the habitat and his online dating profile picture <<Photo of Tiger with collared shirt popped up>>
Florida Governor Rick Scott insists that his state is safe to visit despite the recent rise in Zika cases, or the outbreak of dengue fever, new cases of encephalitis, the spreading of that toxic blue green algae thing, a few instances flesh and brain eating bacteria, and the 85-year old man who offered a woman $20 to play with her breasts at the local Publix in Palm Beach. I wish that last one was a joke.
An Ohio man is arrested after trying to have sex with his van. What's really sick is the van was only three years old.
<<Photo of Clinton Foundation logo on screen>>The Clinton Foundation announced that if Hillary wins it will stop accepting foreign money. <<Switch logo to new logo with maple leaves instead of stars>> And if Trump wins, the foundation will become a foreign foundation
The Mongolian wrestling coach stripped down to his underwear after his country was denied the bronze medal due to a judging issue. If history has taught us anything, you should not tick off Mongolians <<Photo of ancient Mongols>>.
A recent survey shows that the majority of men and republicans believe that sexism is no longer an issue. When asked if a woman could then be president, they responded, if only a republican woman wanted to run <<Photo montage of Republic female senators/congressmen>>. Damn it if there was just one.
It's mid-August and the Chicago Cubs are still in first place, prompting fans to prepare for a major letdown this Fall instead of the normal one they are used to experiencing.
Hilary Clinton has opened up a 23-point lead over Donald Trump among likely female voters. When asked for comment, Trump stated "So what? Woman can't vote right?"
In New Mexico, a 36 year old mother and her 19 year old son are facing jail time for refusing to stop their incestuous relationship. When asked by family if she thought this was right, she replied "do as I say, not who I do."
A recent study shows that more and more teens are experimenting with e-cigs than cigarettes, which is why the homely girl from your third period English class is now going by e-Mallory.
New Jersey is considering passing a bill that would ban eating and drinking while driving. Governor Chris Christie has promised to eat the bill if it makes it to his desk
Delta Airlines stranded thousands of passengers around the globe after a catastrophic failure of their computer systems, but no one should be surprised after Delta released their new motto last week <<On Screen: Delta Logo with the words "You Had Other Choices">>
Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green has apologized for accidentally sharing a picture of his penis on Snapchat. Long time critics however have thanked him for proving once and for all that he is indeed undersized for this position.
Xavier University in Cincinnati is installing the first-ever pizza vending machine. Meanwhile students at universities in China are probably studying.
More than 30,000 bees escaped and stung several people in a Oklahoma City Wal-Mart parking lot. As if I needed another reason to shop at Target.
The Olympics are underway in Brazil and the United States won their first gold medal of the 2016 games in shooting, inspiring lawyers everywhere to tell their clients to stop pleading the fifth and start saying you're just training for Tokyo in 2020.
Donald Trump is complaining that the election system is rigged and says that is why he may lose in November. Our Weekend Update Investigative Reporting staff have looked into it and it's true. The system does indeed seem to favor those who aren't racist, narcissistic, sexist douche bags.
Scientists have discovered that cockroach milk may be the next super food, which is good since Trump keeps asking why we just can't use our nuclear weapons against everyone. Daddy, when can we come up from the bunker? I don't know son. Have another cup of cockroach milk.