By now you are all probably aware of the fictional holiday known as Festivus, created by a classic episode of the televisions series Seinfeld, but if you know nothing about it go ahead and Google it. Go ahead, I'll wait for you. Here, you can even click on this link to find out more about it (it doesn't get much easier than this people).
All better (or already knew all about it)? Great, then let's get started with the airing of grievances 2013 edition:
1) Turn Signals: Here is a funny story, your turn signal in your car was not an optional feature. Start using it people, because guess what, I'm not a mind-reader.
2) House Hunters: If I hear the phrase "I don't like the paint color" one more time on this show I'm going to scream. You can change paint color! If you ever say this phrase your realtor should be able to reach out and slap you across your face. Gee honey, their a lots of cracks in the wall and this seems to be mold growing on the ceiling, but I love what they did with the paint color in the bathroom.
3) Text Messaging: I actually like texting. It has a time and a place and to be honest I use it on a daily basis. But you know when I don't use it? When I can pick up a phone and talk to the person. Remember folks, that tiny little computer you are typing on is actually a phone first, and that good men like Hertz, Marconi and deForest committed their lives to figuring out how we could talk via radio waves. I'd like to think that if they came back to life today they would run over to you and slap the phones right of your hands while screaming T you in a sort of old timey English. I'd also like to think they would pick the phone right up and start tinkering with it, but that is another story.
4) Apps that crash: Guess what, while typing up this blog the damn app crashed. And this is how you instantly make the list: Screw up while I am making the list.
5) Freedom of Speech: Yes you have it (and I love it). But no it doesn't mean you can say whatever you like without consequences. Life has free will. With free will comes consequences for your choices. Just ask the "stars" of the "reality" series Duck Dynasty. Or Don Imus. Or Howard Stern.
6) Know-It-All's: You have an opinion about everything, yet no one asked your opinion. Oh, and usually your opinion is wrong anyway. Or based on lies. Or "things you've heard." Or anything but the truth. And when you do actually know something, no one listens or believes you.
7) Sarah Palin: Need I say more? Actually, I better explain. It isn't because she is a republican or because she and I don't share the same views. It is because she is nobody. What have you done to earn the respect and trust of the people? Oh, you were mayor of a small town in Alaska and then you were governor of the state for a short while? And right, you were also running mate to John McCain. But here is the difference between you and let's say Senator McCain - He is a war hero with years of experience and dedication to the people of America. And you're a troll who pops up on Fox News and stirs the pot just to keep your name in the news because you believe you have a chance in hell of winning the White House.
In reality, any and all problems or issues I have are minor or quite frankly not even problems at all compared to what other people have to live with on a daily basis. If you are able to read this then chances are your problems really aren't problems either, which brings me to the final grievance for 2013:
8) Issues: Oh, so you have some issues? Some problems? Things in your life aren't going as planned? Well before you start complaining ask yourself if it is really something to complain about...or if it is just minor road block/bump on an otherwise pretty sweet life journey you're on right now. Are you upset about the Duck Dynasty controversy? Did you drink clean water today? Did you have to worry about where your next meal is going to come from? Then shut the hell up.
Happy Festivus everyone!
P.S. If you were offended by tonight's blog post, please let me know. I don't plan to do anything about it, but I would like to know (and also keep in mind that this is meant to be taken in a light hearted, fun loving Festivus sort of way).
Chris Thomas is a full-time teacher, part-time freelance writing, father of three, and most importantly, a very, very tired man.
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